I heard kind of a funny joke today from a CO, of all people. He stops me and says, “So, Jeffrey Dahmer asks his mother over for lunch, and she’s eating and says, ‘Jeffrey, I don’t like your friends.’” And he says, “Well then, just east the vegetables.” Ha!
For two days I went without my meds for RLS and as it turns out, I need them. My prescription had expired and the doctor upped my dosage, but the new pills didn’t get here in time. Now I’m on .25 mg and I finally slept. I had only been able to sleep in 40 minute increments for the last two nights. Just before REM sleep is when my legs start to go crazy.
It didn’t help that they woke us up at 1:30 for a stand-up head count. We will never know the reason for that. The guards just do what they’re told. Is it too cliché to say that the Nazis also did what they were told? I guess there’s no comparison of the two. But it makes me feel better knowing that they will read this.
Prison is really nice as long as you close your eyes and think of someplace else. There are many places I have been that will never be seen by most. Where the people care not for family or career or dignity but only their high. I’ve been there, and I’ve been them. Those. They. As I sit at my desk I try to think of those places, instead of where I want to be, where I should be. All of the things I should have accomplished by now. My wife and kids that don’t exist. The home I don’t own. Fuck. Either way it’s depressing. It makes me want to get high.
Drugs: The cause of, and solution to, all of my problems.
Januaryish, 2001. I don’t know how long I had been drifting from curb to couch. Homeless in nearly every definition of the word. I didn’t spend every night out in the cold. And most of the nights I did, I stayed awake, looking for opportunity. There was one of the most desperate times of my life. I was addicted to crack, and I really didn’t care about much else.
I resorted mostly to stealing things out of garages and pawning them to get what I needed. Stealing food was sometimes necessary but one of the benefits of smoking crack is that it’s really not all that necessary to eat very often.
True story: One time I spent 15 minutes smoking $20 worth of crack, and the next 12 hours with a torch trying to get another hit out of a pipe I made out of a pop can. In the end I had actually smoked about 10% of the aluminum can itself.
“I have come to the conclusion that my subjective account of my own motivation is largely mythical on almost all occasions. I don’t know why I do things.” J.B.S. Haldane