110% Solution


Today I was given a pass down to health services for my range of motion test. I had to move my limbs this way and that. I was pulled and pushed, but not prodded and poked. They save that for the physical. It was just another in a series of tests we must pass before we can go to Willow River, where Boot Camp is. I passed.

Without the occasional boost in our spending accounts, it would be really tough to keep up on hygiene supplies, phone time, stationery and envelopes, etc. You see…as I’ve said before, I make 50₵ an hour. I get half of that now, and the other half upon my release. So every two weeks I net roughly $20 for my 80 hours.

The things we buy from canteen here are substantially higher in price than you would find even in a small town grocery store. Here are some examples:

Ramen noodles, 37₵

Tide (16 loads) $6 (and we have to do laundry more than once a week, because they only allow us a certain amount of clothing)

Paper (150 count) $2.25

Briefs (that we make for 50₵ an hour) $3.35 each

So, we are grateful for any extra money because we can spend a little on ourselves. This time I spent $15 on a clip-on reading light and bulb. Probably retail $3 at Walmart. Now I can spend what I would have earned working 60 hours on phone time, envelopes and soap. Enough of that.

Today was great overall. Work was work. But in the gym, I did the tape, of which I can follow along the first eight or nine minutes. That leaves 11 or 12 minutes for me to go. But I’m trying. Then I lifted weights. And I ran/walked. Only a mile combined, but I’m building stamina.

Every day I feel myself changing. Little by little I move away from what I once was, more than once. And I can see that I can be both good and bad. And I want the good. But it’s fucking tough. It’s hard for me to want to be good. Some days I don’t even want to try to better myself. I think it would be easier to sit another 18 months instead of doing boot camp. But more days than not, I walk down to the gym and make myself do the things that make me feel good about going. I make progress. I try to take today into tomorrow, when I won’t want to do anything. I will. I will. I will.

I will write about it tomorrow.

Tomorrow: Well, I lifted weights and walked for half an hour. That’s all I willed myself to do. I failed on all of boot camp’s philosophies, which are:

I have free choice and free will.

I am accountable for my thoughts, feelings, and actions.

Today I commit myself to positive change.

I will give 110% of myself, 100% of the time.

If I do my best, I will succeed.

I’m not sure those are actually philosophies, but that’s what they say they are in the handbook.

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