Coffee Monster


Every now and then, I hear a story worth sharing. One of my main friends here told a story the first day I met him of an incident in St. Cloud that I still laugh about every time I think of it. He is a tutor here, and has new funny stories every day which I may or may not share at some point. But this one, not involving education, stands alone.

I had the same celly for a few months. He was totally insane, but a great celly because he was OCD. He cleaned all day every day. It was awesome. He washed his face over 100 times a day to the point where it was read and raw. Like I said, insane, but the cell was spotless.

He got moved to a single cell and I was stuck with a stinky little non-showering guy. There are a lot of “no-shower” guys in prison, but this one stuck out. He smelled like dead fish. He hung out in nothing but his tighty whities, complete with skid marks. I lived with him for a month before he got transferred. I was excited to get rid of him, but then I went through three more cellys in the next four days.

One morning, they moved my latest idiot celly. They usually replace people the same morning, very quickly. By about 10am, I figured I am gonna have the 8×10-foot cell to myself for one day at least. That was very exciting since I’d had no privacy for over six months. As it neared noon, I figured I was safe to take my first semi-private shit in way too long. I dropped my pants and the glorious private shit was not even fully out of my ass, when the cell door clicked open.

As I was sitting on the toilet, there was no way I could have prepared for or comprehended what bumbled into my cell. It was…the Coffee Monster!

To be continued….

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