Fear of Freedom


For the third time since my imprisonment—just in Moose Lake—I am trying out a new medication as per doctor’s orders. This time it’s Artane, and so far so good. Better than Sinamet. I still miss Mirapex. I am sleeping soundly through the night which is the desired outcome.

Today I ran a mile in 9m 17s. I can’t seem to get over a mile though. Every time I’m done running, I know that I’m going to die. I don’t actually die, but I do feel completely exhausted.

But…something happened today that is a first. I actually wanted to run. I looked forward to it. I knew in advance that I could do better than I had. And I know…that I can, and will, do better tomorrow.

My strategy is actually to run at a slower pace, and go 1½ miles. And alternate daily between going for distance and going for time.

OK it’s not actually my strategy. The athletic trainer for boot camp told me it was a good way to build stamina. I’ll take his advice.

One of my few good friends here left for boot camp three days ago. He was nervous.   Not because he couldn’t handle getting yelled at, or couldn’t handle the physical training, but because he was a step closer to freedom.

A lot of guys are afraid of their release date because they’ve spent their whole lives screwing up and don’t think much will change.

In my experience, prison is a horrible place. People talk a lot about repeating mistakes they made out there because it’s all they know. I know how to make meth. I learned how, here in Moose Lake. I probably will not do it, although now it’s an option. I have phone numbers of people that will be doing what I used to do when they get out. So I have those options too. Actually I threw those numbers away today.

The longer I stay in prison, the more I’m going to want to go back to the shit life. That’s why I really want to get to boot camp, so I can be surrounded by people looking for a positive change. I haven’t made too many good decisions in my life time, I need all the help I can get.

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