Sunday, 6:01 am. This is the hardest day of the week for me because it’s our down day. We don’t do any morning exercises, and there’s no mandatory physical training, no school, treatment, or work crew. So we just sit next to our bunks from 5:20 am until 7:20 am. No breakfast, no coffee. I’m writing to combat my fatigue.
I’ve been working on some mini-meditations we learned in our Thinking for a Change class in which I channel positive thoughts into my subconscious mind. I tell it I have energy, I’m wide awake, and so on. It seems to work. But it doesn’t last long.
One of the problems that has carried over to each facility I’ve been in is the unreliability of our canteen orders.
Last week I ordered five postcards and five envelopes. I got two of each. I was charged for all of them, and also for two paisr of socks, which I didn’t order or receive. I will get credit but not in time to order this week. So I’m stuck with what I have for two weeks.
I spent a couple hours playing cards and walking the track with one of my friends that I met in Moose Lake. He is going to St. Paul when he gets out, two months before me. Anyhow, I’m already starting to build my network in here for out there.
I remember the first time I went to treatment for the right reasons, and stayed sober nearly five years, I didn’t know what to do when the using thoughts started drifting through my head.
Relapse starts well before the actual using. Here, I can look back on all of my actions and feelings and put that together with the tools I’m getting here to not just be sober for a while, but live sober forever.
I’ve collected enough evidence on the outside to make me sure that I’m not the guy that can just have “a couple of beers” or just a couple lines. I use until I physically can’t anymore. I do not stop.