The stress is getting to me finally. They really pile the work up on us.
I’m having troubles in more areas that I thought and it was brought to my attention over the past couple of days.
Thankfully, it happened on the side by a CO. He didn’t point anything out but he talked to me and when I answered his questions I realized then that I’m not perfect, I have residual anti-authority issues from being a criminal for a good portion of my life, and that I still negative-talk myself a lot. I kind of still hate myself for wasting my life away using and dealing drugs. Sometimes I want to give up. I want to leave this place because it would be easier than staying.
The CO and I talked for a good half hour. He wouldn’t let me walk away. He wouldn’t allow me to use the self-pity stance. And he almost got me to cry.
He took me aside to talk because he knows I do try. That I’m not a trouble maker. And mostly because I really needed to be heard. I was able to open up and really dig.
And we found some problems I’ve been having here, that I couldn’t see.
I’m controlling, manipulative, and a perfectionist, which is why I hurt so much inside. I’m full of shit. And I don’t want anybody to know. I use deceit to control. I will lie, cheat, steal, tell half truths, and beg to obtain and continue using drugs on the outside. And in here I’m defensive, I’m always right, to keep others off balance. Then I point out their faults. I need to quit all that now.
I hope some of that made sense. Sometimes I just write to vent. I feel better getting that out.
Today is the first day of our 6th week. We are no longer lowest in seniority; we got new guys today.
Today’s date seems to have some significance in my life. Nine years ago, it was still my sobriety date. Before that, I don’t remember how long ago, I had the chicken pox, and another time I was an usher in my aunt’s wedding. Today, I ran over three miles and didn’t die.
I ran three straight laps around the big track (two miles). Then I had to walk twice around the small track, but then I fell back in to the run, and completed two more laps (one and a third miles). I am so sore. But I feel great.
This last Friday I only made one lap running and then walked for the rest of our PT time. I felt like a failure. I thought about it over the weekend and decided I need to push myself harder. So I did.
Tomorrow we do 40 minutes of aerobics, then we run again. Completing the run consists of six full laps. That’s 4.1 miles. That’s the “B” run. Then there’s the “A” run. A faster pace, and I think 8 laps. I don’t know the math on that one.
[ANNE: Vince has the wrong date, but yes there is a date on or around on which all of these things happened, not to mention his bar mitzvah. That was a lot of fun. There were a lot of jokes about “your big BM” and afterwards there was karaoke and he and his friend David inhaled all the helium from the balloons—lord, did that contribute to his future waywardness?]