Welcome to the Country


To say that alcohol lowered my inhibitions would be an understatement.  It pretty much rendered me retarded.  That said, here are a few things that I probably thought were funny at the time.  Keep in mind that these are only things I remember doing or people told me I had done in a blackout.

  • To impress “the ladies” I once downed an entire bottle of bubbles. You know, the kind you put the wand in and blow through it.  What followed must have been amazing to see because several people stated they couldn’t believe I had done that.  Within one minute I started throwing up (with considerable distance) a clearish-pink foam that expanded even more once it hit the ground.  The carbonation in the beer accelerated the bubbling process in my stomach and became fairly painful.  I groaned in pain while heaving, making a noise no animal on earth would use as a mating call.  After a few minutes it was over, I was surrounded by foam.  Without hesitation I grabbed a fresh beer.
  • Standing by a river with friends down in Iowa, I found a dead fish and took a bite out of its belly and spat it out at one of them at which point I started throwing up, he started throwing up and in no time at all we were all on the ground doing the same and trying not to laugh which was not easy.
  • Passed out, blacked out on a canoe trip I was responsible for not only tipping a canoe, but sinking it forever along with the oars, cell phones, cooler, cigarettes, and clothing. I don’t know why I was naked, but I do know that it was a long walk back to my friend’s truck.  Hey, at least we didn’t have to carry a canoe back!
  • Nothing makes a better combination than alcohol and shot guns. Especially when I don’t have any glasses or contacts.  So, one day a few of us went “hunting.”  We would usually look for squirrels, crows, or anything that moved.  I saw a crow circling overhead and decided it was mine, even though we were using slugs.  I “aimed” and fired four times, missed, reloaded and missed four more times.  I saw one of my friends running toward me to I smiled and waved at him.  He didn’t look too happy.  He informed me that I had actually been firing wildly at a bald eagle.  We put the guns away.

[ANNE: I got a postcard from Vince, in which he wished me a fun trip.  Then he couldn’t resist adding, “Germany sounds like a lovely place where they have loved people of our faith for a long time.  Just remember, if somebody asks you to take a shower in a large metal room, run!”  Vince has always been a joker.  One of my favorites was the time he got kicked out of Hebrew School for writing his name on a name tag as “P. Ness.”  I had to act serious in front of Vince and the rabbi, who was humorless and thus terrible with teenagers, but I laughed out loud when I was out of earshot.]

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