Tag Archives: prison

The KCQ

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VINCE

Learning how to iron. Learning to polish boots. Still scrubbing my belt buckle. Marching in formation is really difficult with 17 guys that have never done it before. People going in so many different directions. It’s absolute chaos, but we get to work on it every day. I’m exhausted, but dealing with it, as if my life depends on it, which it does.

We haven’t started chemical dependency (CD) treatment yet, that’s next week. But the general consensus from the people that have been in it is that it’s different and it is working for them.

AA in my opinion has turned into too much of a faith-based 12 step program. I have no interest in religion and am generally turned off whenever the subject comes up in public (yes, AA isn’t exactly public but I think I got my point across).

Anyhow, I’m excited to try out a different approach. Maybe this will be the one.

I can say this: they really come after us from all angles here. Mental, physical, emotional, and whatever other angles exist that I don’t know about yet.

This is not just the beginning of the rest of my life. This is the opportunity to enjoy the rest of my life, be a good, honest person, and break free from the evil spell of my addictions.

Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again. This time more intelligently.

[ANNE: I got into trouble again, unintentionally, this time with Vince. For six months, I’ve sent him every blog post, no matter what the content. His, mine…this has been part of the deal, so he can see I’m not editing him, or he can change or clarify something if he wants. But then I got his first letter from boot camp:

“I maybe didn’t clarify enough how important it is to never send me any posts, especially of the nature that you sent most recently. That subject is absolutely taboo. I thought you knew that. Send me the comments from everybody, and your posts. Sending me posts like the Kermit one could easily get me kicked out. No joke. So please think before you send.”

No, he had not told me not to send any of his posts anymore. Given all the conflicting, capricious rules and difficulty of us communicating, he could be forgiven for thinking he had. God, I could have gotten him kicked out of boot camp in his first week!

So there I went again, middle-aged mom wading into the Kafkaesque correctional quagmire (the KCQ—good acronym!).

“Kafkaesque: having a nightmarishly complex, bizarre, or illogical quality, as in “Kafkaesque bureaucratic delays.”]

Buckling Down

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VINCE

Intense. The only word that comes to mind to describe Day One.

I’ve been here only 8 hours but my feet are already killing me. My socks are black from wearing my boots for 15 hours a day. For up to an hour at a time, we have to stand at attention, feet together at the heels, toes out at a 45 degree angle, thumbs pointed down and touching the outside seams of our khakis. Head forward, eyes up, staring at whatever point in the wall we choose. No eye contact, no movement.

The next few days we will practice marching, military bearing, and double timing (running) everywhere we go when we’re outside.

There’s a lot to learn in a short amount of time. But I already get the feeling that the COs here actually want us to be successful, even though they yell at us a lot.

—

First chance to write in two days. The stress is really mounting. It’s my fifth day and I still can’t figure out how to properly make my bed. My hands are blistered and sore from scrubbing my belt buckle with a 2×3” green scouring pad. I’ve worn through five pads so far. Scrubbed them down to raisins.

Yesterday we did two hours of drill and ceremony, during which we must have done 200 pushups, some of which we did on the CO’s count. We go down on the count of one and have to stay there until he says two. Down doesn’t mean we can touch the ground. We have to stay an inch off the ground. Very painful. I was trembling at the end. Today I am very sore, but it’s our down day so I’ll recover.

All that aside, I’m feeling good about myself. I know I’ll succeed. All for now. Gotta scrub my belt buckle.

Appeal Denied

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ANNE

I got a postcard from Vince.  Don’t ask me why he addressed me as “Ms. M.” and not mom.

Ms. M: 

Well, I made it.  Everything is a bit stressful and overwhelming at first, but it’s all designed with our success in mind.  I’m picking up bits and pieces here and there but basically I have no clue what I’m doing yet.  But it will come.  I won’t be to be able to talk to you for two months but I will be able to write more than I thought. 

I’m more excited than nervous or scared.  This is going to be really good for me, and everybody that knows me! 

I’ll write more soon,

Love,

Vince

—

My appeal of the visiting ban was denied.  The warden wrote that she found “no compelling reason” to reverse it.  I assumed it would be denied but it still made me furious when I opened the letter.  And for some reason, the fact that the warden is a woman made me feel even more disgusted.

Vince cannot call me for two months now; that’s a boot camp policy that has nothing to do with me.  I can’t call him, as ever.  By the time I am allowed to visit him, it will be seven months since we’ve seen each other.  He thought he wouldn’t have time to write but now says he will.  That’s good.  I can still email him.  I am so grateful for that DOC email system.

—

Yesterday my sister had the left lobe of her liver removed.  She had endured two months of chemo to shrink the tumors in it, and her doctor recommended they remove the affected part of the liver just to be on the safe side.  Once she’s recovered from surgery she’ll have to go back on chemo.

In the movies, people get cancer and the next thing you know they’re on their death bed having a tear-jerking good-bye talk with their loved ones before they peacefully slip away.  I did not realize that cancer can go on and on and on and on and on, with years of chemo, surgery, radiation, side effects, financial problems, and emotional highs and lows.  I’m so grateful my sister has made it through so far, and I really hope this is it—that the cancer is gone for good.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger?  Bullshit.  It makes you miserable.  Well, check back with me in a year.  My sister is a lot more of a naturally positive thinker than I am.  Maybe she’ll bounce back to her rose-colored glasses, in-the-moment state of being if she can catch a break from cancer misery.

—

A friend emailed to find out how I was.  “How’s all that drama with your son and your sister?” he asked.

Drama?  Drama is turmoil you create on purpose to draw attention to yourself, or to deflect attention away from yourself, like when you want to cover up something crappy you’ve done.

My sister’s cancer is not drama.  Vince being in prison is not drama.  Their situations may be a bit dramatic, but that’s different.

Drama is just what it sounds like: entertainment on the stage of life that distracts us or others from boredom, loneliness, inadequacy, or guilt.

Cancer and prison are horrible realities for real people who I love.

—

Woah, what a downer of a post!  You might think, from reading them, that I am a morose, miserable person but in fact I am quite content.  My life is stable, my work is interesting, I am never bored, and I even have fun from time to time.  Thing is, it’s my dramatic experiences, probably, that have made it possible for me to appreciate what is good, but writing about how la-la-happy I am wouldn’t make for very compelling blog reading, would it?

See You on the Other Side

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VINCE

Three days until freedom, 183 days until my release.

I will not be able to write as frequently from boot camp but I will when I can and I think it will be even more powerful than ever. The following story will be the last thing that I write from Moose Lake.

In the last 10 years, I have spent three + years on meth, six + years as a drunk, and eight months in prison.

By far, being a drunk took the worst toll on me. It didn’t land me in the clink, but I lost so much of myself that it’s really hard for me to look back on it and be honest about it.

My mother has written about it from her perspective and I’ve always just kind of brushed it off, not wanting to deal with the truth.

Truth is, I was a mess. Every day. Drunk. I held jobs through most of it. But in every other aspect of life I failed.

Every cent I had went to booze. No room for food, clothing. I guess I paid my rent most of the time.

I had three days off per week. So starting right when I woke up, I would drink my breakfast, say 7 a.m. Drink beers and smoke cigarettes until the bar opened at 11 a.m., then drink into oblivion until I blacked out. Waking up somehow back in my apartment, or somebody else’s.

I’ve woken up on pool tables. In the middle of the street surrounded by police. Under water, naked, having just tipped my best friend’s canoe, losing it forever. And once I woke up and I realized I was clutching a fully loaded shotgun, with my finger on the trigger guard, safety off. I’m not saying I was suicidal, but I did question my motivation. Then laughed it off.

Every day, for years, I woke up with no food in the fridge. I worked in restaurants, but I still only really ever ate one meal a day, four days a week. I was not healthy.

—

It’s Tuesday morning. 7:50 a.m. In 24 hours I will be leaving this terrible place, in search of the tools that will make it so I never have to re-visit the places I have just described.

I had a picture of me taken one week before boot camp which my mother will somehow put near this last post, and we will put up a new picture in six months, just to show the physical improvement gained through the program. I weigh 200 pounds here. We’ll hopefully see a transformation. Again, I will keep writing, just not so much.

Pre Boot Camp

I really enjoy reading the feedback we’ve been getting keep it coming.

Alright, it’s time to go get my life back. Wish me luck.

Here I go.

Thank You

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VINCE

My leg finally feels better. I haven’t done anything to risk re-injuring it and I kind of feel like a bum. Tomorrow I will go back to the gym and get back to my routine, although I won’t be playing any more competitive sports. Too risky for me at this point.

15 meals and a wake up. One of several ways we measure time here. Five days left of prison. Soon there will be no more bars, no more yelling (by prisoners), and no more sex offenders. There are no fences at boot camp. Of course there would still be escape charges if one were to leave without permission, but people seem to want to stay over there.

Sometime during our second week there, I’ve been told, we will be out in the community doing volunteer work. It’s going to be quite the change.

—

Ten meals and a wake up. I suppose the real wake up starts at boot camp. I have been in contact with a couple like-minded people who left one and two months before me. Both said they have really enjoyed the change. These two, like me, are going for the right reason: to positively change their lives. And they both live in St. Paul, so I will have some friends in recovery when I get out. Very important.

That’s what I lost when I left Florida. My group. My allies. The people I grew up with as an adult. I never got it back and I slowly let that become my excuse for using again.

—

Six meals and a wake up. It’s Sunday night and I’ve been having sort of a tough time coming up with things to write about. So I decided to take this time to thank all of you who have been following this journey and those who have commented on this blog. My mom and I knew from the get go that this was going to be powerful stuff, and it takes a fair amount of courage to write it down knowing it can be seen by the masses.

Thank you for letting me let it all out. It has helped me transform into a new man. Six months ago I really wasn’t too sure about this boot camp idea. Even after two months of sobriety I still wanted to be part of “the game.” I was still writing to and talking to all the old characters, setting myself up for disaster. Now I haven’t written or called anybody other than family and a couple guys that are in boot camp right now, for the right reason.

The Send Off

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VINCE

There are so many bad choices I’ve made in my life. But I am ready to break free of my old habits. Nine days until I commit myself to positive change, 189 days til freedom.

—

My second to last court appearance in June last year was a contested omnibus hearing where I finally decided to just make a deal. I was sick of my life and ready to go to prison. It happened a little faster than I thought it would, as I’ve written before.

I left the courtroom knowing that I had eight days left of freedom. Instead of using that time productively I went about my usual routine. Little did I know there was a plan in the works to leave me broke and broken.

Three days before my sentencing, I was robbed at knife point by three people that I thought I knew. They cornered me in a room and told me to empty my pockets, waving around a very short and wide knife.

You may not think of that as too much of a threat. But a person wielding a one-inch knife is ready to use it more quickly than a six-inch knife because it wouldn’t likely produce a fatal wound.

So I emptied my pockets and the one with the knife sucker punched me in the eye. As I turned around he punched me again, in the same spot. That really hurt.

They all called me some names and then left. Their goal was to steal my truck and leave me stranded but fortunately the ignition was broken, and they could not figure out my homemade tweaker [meth user] ignition featuring a light switch for toggle and a doorbell button for the starter switch.

I got up. In a daze I walked to the bathroom. I had a huge black eye. My nose was bleeding and my ego was shot.

They took about $1,000 combined money and drugs from me. It was all I had. But even that didn’t stop me. Nothing ever really did. I knew then that I needed to be locked up, in prison or chained to a radiator, it didn’t matter. I knew I wanted to stop, but I couldn’t. My name is Vince and I’m an addict.

—

ANNE

I received a postcard from Vince. Between it and him writing, “I’m an addict,” I felt hope for him for the first time in 10 years.

Hola,

One week away! I’m looking forward to a new life. Again.

Thank you so much for all your support, and hard work. It must be tough at times. I love you very much and I’m happy we have become so close.

Love,

Vince

But was it real? There’s an old joke:

Q: How do you tell when an alcoholic is lying?

A: His lips are moving.

Vince writes about how many days til boot camp…how many days til he’s free…then he can start to change his life. I’m a firm believer that you can change your life now, regardless of whether your circumstances. That work can only be done inside your head, using cognitive behavior therapy, meditation, and other techniques. If you don’t know how to do it, as I didn’t for many years, you’re stuck. Physical fitness and self discipline are great, but I really hope this boot camp thing helps Vince figure out how to rewire his “stinking thinking”, as they call it in AA.

Pickled

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VINCE

Looking back I often wonder how my brain still functions.

I first smoked pot at a birthday party in middle school. , like many people their first time, I didn’t actually get high, so I faked it. Sitting in the back of a van at a drive-in movie, staring out at the big screen, pretending to be high like I had seen in the movies.

Just a couple short years later I had a huge tolerance and was trying out some different things.

I worked more than a few shifts at Burger King on heavy doses of Beavis and Butthead and Black Pyramid acid. Holy….shit. I was the drive-through order taker and I remember seeing the speaker melting off the wall as an order was being given to me. I was laughing hysterically and drooling but my boss wouldn’t fire me because he got his weed from me. I was always able to get through my shifts uninjured, which annoyed me and my friends.

During the last year that I attended high school, I put myself into sort of a last chance program called OJT (on the job training).

At 17 years old I was given a badge, a taser, and a billy club and became one of three security guards at Liberty State Bank.

During the first half of my shift, I sorted mail in the mailroom in the basement, then I would go upstairs and direct traffic in the parking lot if it was busy or sit in the guard shack and smoke cigarettes and weed and sell mushrooms and weed. I could monitor all radio traffic so I knew they never suspected a thing.

I lost that job when they found out I dropped out of school. They even offered to buy me a computer so I could get my diploma online. I said no.

—

It’s Monday morning. Last night I got my pass to take the fitness test, the last step in the process of being officially okayed for boot camp.

Unfortunately, on Saturday night I was injured while playing pickle ball.

I wasn’t even overdoing it. I actually thought somebody had hit me in the leg, but when I looked behind me, nobody was there, and I limped away.

When I got back to the unit, I asked the CO for a bag of ice. He asked why and I told him. And then he “pushed the button”, as we call it. Dee doo dee doo dee doo! People came running from every direction. And then came the wheel chair. Fuck! How embarrassing.

They wheeled me about ¼ mile to Health Services where they stood me up, felt my leg, and told me to walk back to the unit, on my bad leg. Fuck!

I iced it down, slept, then took a hot shower in the morning. I was in some pain, had a little trouble walking but I was pretty sure I could make it through the test.

And I did.

Here’s what I had to do: 20 pushups, 20 crunches, run a mile, do about 10 minutes of the tape, to show you’d been practicing, and some light weight lifting. Eight months ago, I would have dropped dead from that much physical activity. But I passed and I felt pretty good. Really good.

Eleven days until boot camp. I am no longer nervous. Only excited. Excited to change my life.

Moose vs. Marertz

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ANNE

I think there’s nothing more boring than trying to follow another person’s story about fighting some big company or bureaucracy, but here is the correspondence so far between Moose Lake and me.

Good afternoon Ms. Marertz, [He spelled my name so wrong that I don’t need to anonymize it]

I do recall our conversation and agree it was respectful communication by both of us. Thank You again for the phone call.

I have proceeded to look into your suggestion (visitor signing up to get email alerts for changes)and see if it is a viable application for the department. This may take some time, but the communication I have had with the departments IT department as well as other supervisors/managers they like the concept. I will continue working on this project.

My recollection of the conversation regarding a ban notification was that I did state the possibility  of you receiving a ban notification as you had taken a photo outside the facility and would not erase the photo as well as  arguing with staff. I said if you would have stated your concern, went out and changed your blouse, you would have been able to visit, but due to the escalation of the situation and the photo taken outside the facility, you may receive a ban. I apologize if I was not clear enough on the ban notice, but my recollection is you acknowledged this possibilty and we ended the conversation appropriately.

I do recall you stated you would be out of the country for some time after we spoke,  I believe that to be the case and would not request flight stubs for verification and would see this sufficient enough to review your appeal outside the 15 day period. If you would like to appeal please submit your appeal prior to [13 days from the date of this email].

You may appeal to the Warden (Becky Dooley)  by sending the appeal by mail to the facility  addressed to the her, or you may email her at ____.

Again thank you for your suggestion

Respectfully,

Lt. Mike Lott

The photo? The photo had not come up until I emailed it to him. The guards who surrounded my car hadn’t said anything about the photo. No one had asked me to erase it. So he was making stuff up as he went along. And yet I decided it would be best to eat crow in my appeal, which I submitted 10 days later. I took out the biting sarcasm but couldn’t resist drizzling a little on top.

Dear Ms. Dooley:

I am writing to appeal my six-month visitor ban.  I am not aware of any guidelines or a form for this process, so I will just write this as a letter.

As you will see from our correspondence below, Mr. Lott and I have different recollections of our phone conversation.  He recalls informing me that I will be banned, while I have no memory of that.  He also seems to be saying that it is against the rules for me to have taken a photo of myself (attached)–the photo I took to show how I was dressed and that I was not wearing a low-cut top. If it is indeed against the rules for one to take a photo of oneself in the parking lot of a MN Correctional Facility, mea culpa, I honestly did not know.

As for the original incident, I take responsibility for my part in the conversation escalating and it would be great if Mr. Volk would do the same.  I recognize that prison visits are tough for everyone.  It’s just a rotten situation all around.

When I spoke to Mr. Lott, I told him I would be leaving the next day and be out of the country for work for three weeks.  He sent the ban notice the next day–ensuring I would miss the appeal window.  He has kindly consented to me having some extra time.  Because I moved right after I got home, I wouldn’t have been able to visit Vince until this weekend–and now I am banned–and on Tuesday he will be transferred to boot camp where he is not allowed to have visitors for 2 months.  I am his only visitor, so if the ban stays in effect, he will have no visitors for 7 months.

I would be happy to discuss what happened over the phone.  My number is ___.

Thank you,

Anne M

The Church of Freeman

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VINCE

27 days to go

What’s the difference between an epiphany and a revelation? Well I had one of them I think.

I was watching the movie Evan Almighty the other day, and during a speech by Morgan Freeman he explains how He (God) answers prayers not by giving people what they ask for, but by the opportunity to earn it. I personally don’t believe in any god, but every time Morgan Freeman speaks it’s like the first time I heard the Beatles: Magical.

Anywho, I got to thinking. I have changed a lot in many ways in the last 7½ months. As of now, I do not want to be part of the drug world anymore. I no longer have any contact with people who use meth. And the longer I have no contact with them, the closer I can get to repairing the relationships with my family, and starting new friendships in the sober community.

But what about a career? What about continuing education? I have a plan, I just don’t know how to implement it yet.

I have spent a lot of my years in kitchens of all shapes and sizes. I would really like to continue with that. Something that I’ve always wanted and would, quite frankly, look good on a resume, is a degree in culinary arts. I have a lot of college credit. I hated every class. But I love creating and learning about food. I have strong kitchen skills, but there is so much more to learn.

My only realistic option upon release from boot camp is to move in with a family member in The Cities. Option 2: a halfway house in Rochester. In Rochester, I know a hundred different ways to get meth in five minutes. Of course there is meth in The Cities but it will be farther from my mind if my family is around instead of druggies.

Unfortunately, I already owe so much on my defaulted student loans, there’s no way I could pay for more college. That, you see, is the problem. Rob a bank?

Maybe not an epiphany or a revelation, but knowing what I want to do is certainly a step in the right direction. And certainly a better idea than dealing meth!

—

I haven’t mentioned my ex co-defendant for some time. Well, that’s because she hasn’t been behaving herself. When I took the prison time it was in hope that she would use this chance to sober up. Tougher than it sounds. I know from experience.

Yesterday I found out that she’s in jail again on another drug charge. This time it’s only for hash, very minor in our state, but with her history, she may get a lengthy term.

I haven’t spoken to anybody on the bad side of the law for over a month. Nothing good can come of it.

For the second time in my life, I’m excited about sobriety. I find myself thinking about getting out and finding a couple people I know who are currently in boot camp and sitting around laughing about prison over coffee. They are both from St. Paul.

I’m setting myself up for success, and it’s going to be a lot of work. The second hardest part starts in 18 days. Six months after that, the real test: freedom.

Focus Schmocus

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VINCE

I’m sitting in my room, watching but not listening to the football game. I don’t have a TV so I get to read subtitles because we don’t share ear buds.

I’ve been in a funk since Friday, when my Mother was denied a visit to me because of the outfit she was wearing. This blog is a bit delayed so you may have read about the ordeal already. In fact I can’t really write too much about it because there isn’t much to write about. She came wearing a shirt they deemed too low cut. I think she could have gone to Walmart to get a shirt but she may have called the CO a pervert (smile) at which point they probably told her to leave.

She left the country a few days later so I may not get to see her for a while. No visits are allowed the first two months in boot camp.

—

Oddities:

On more than one occasion, I have seen people reaching into toilets between their legs…I really have no idea why.

There are no doors on the stalls for the toilets out where I work, so when I walk by there’s a chance I will get to see something strange—to wit, yesterday I saw a man without pants or underpants on (not uncommon for men, apparently) standing up to wipe his behind. But then…he sat back down, smelled the TP, then put it in the toilet from the front, definitely completing the link of genitals and feces. And that’s not even the strangest thing I saw yesterday. Ugh.

—

33 days to go.

Nothing new has happened in the last week.

Three days from now, two of my very few friends are heading to boot camp themselves. As I’ve said before, I don’t associate with too many people in here. And after Wednesday, my small group will be down to two, including me.

In my last month here I need to focus on training anyhow. I’m really good at the tape now, but I still have no desire, ever to run. Unfortunately for me, they don’t take excuses like that at boot camp. So I need to figure that out quickly.