This is the eighth and final post in a series that begins here.
Vince went to live with my mother, and I attended outpatient chemical dependency treatment. If you are in the “helping professions”—social work, psychotherapy—or if you even just have common sense and empathy, you won’t be surprised to learn that I wasn’t an alcoholic.
The expectation had been that I would go through pregnancy, birth, and adoption without any support, then go on as though nothing had happened. People seemed surprised that I was sad and angry. They were uncomfortable when I talked about it.
“You signed the papers; it’s over—why keep bringing it up? Just don’t think about it.”
Alcohol is a time-honored stress reliever in such dissonant situations.
Sobriety—and a break from being a full-time mother and student—helped clear my head and face my emotions. I spent the month working the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and reading piles of self help books, and doing all the other things people do to get back on track.
After a month Vince came home. What–you were expecting some big drama? Sorry. In Minnesota we don’t like drama. In fact we are all about avoidance of discomfort, or as I call it, “reality.”
I didn’t drink for a couple years. I went to AA, where the members often listened to my story skeptically and said, “I don’t think you’re an alcoholic.” I should have been referred to Alanon, which is for family members and friends of alcoholics. People impacted by alcoholic behavior act just as crazy as their alcoholics, but there’s no rehab for them. In fact I can recall my mother complaining that my dad got to go to “that country club”—Hazelden, a rehab center nestled on a lake with a pool, wooded walking trails, and tennis courts—while she stayed home with the four kids, the house, and the bills.
I got a job, moved out of the hi-rise, and started paying back my student loans. Vince began school and, while his grades were never great, he was popular with teachers and students. I made sure he brushed his teeth and washed behind his ears. I took him to baseball practice, religious school, and family functions. We watched Dr. Who together and went on little road trips to Lake Superior to hunt agates. You know, normal life.
Every spring I would find myself feeling blue and wonder what was wrong with me. Then it would hit me: Ah ha! Isaac’s birthday is coming up. On Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, I would tear up when they read the story of the sacrifice of Isaac. Every couple of years I would send a letter to be placed in his file, knowing it would probably never be read. When my mother talked about how many grandchildren she had, didn’t count Isaac. Intellectually, I knew this was the whole point—that it remain forever a secret—but to me he was always out there, somewhere.
When Vince was 10, I got entangled with an abusive guy and we ended up losing our home. Three times in one year, we had to move and Vince had to change schools. I chose this time to tell him about Isaac. I thought it would comfort him to know he had a brother out there somewhere, assuming he was alive. Clearly I am not a psychotherapist, or I would have known this would backfire. Vince was devastated—it was a loss on top of losses.
He met his brother, eventually, and some day one or both of us will write about that.
Did these events have a permanent effect on Vince? They deeply affected me, so why not him, since he was so much younger and couldn’t understand what was happening? If they did affect him, it’s his job now to delve into them and resolve whatever leftover effects may be holding him back, which is what he seems to be doing in AA.
Thanks for reading this series. Several people have commented offline that it’s been emotional to read. I’m ready for a happier subject for the next post: my plans for a road trip to New Orleans!